When Your Mind Is Not Your Friend

In an ideal world, your mind is reasonably in tune with your body and your life. At the moment, mine is most definitely not. The last few months have been a rollercoaster when it comes to both physical and mental health. I have long hesitated to write about this as it is a very personal topic. Then again, I know from experience that writing about it has positive effects on me.

A little backstory

To get where I am going what this, a little backstory is necessary. In March 2017 I had surgery for an issue with the link between my oesophagus and stomach. This surgery was the end of a more than a year-long period with lots of physical pain and bad reactions to pain medication. And it worked, after the surgery, the pain was gone. The only thing left was the little pain the surgery itself had caused, but that went away quite quickly as well. Happy me!

But then…

About a year later, in May 2018, the pain came back. With a vengeance. I was angry, annoyed and sad because I did not see that coming and obviously wasn’t happy with it. It meant another long 3/4 of a year of being in a medical rollercoaster where I saw a lot of doctors, had a lot of examinations and am still not sure what is going on.

That weighs on the mind.

All that uncertainty and pain is having major effects on my mental health as well. It is hard to face this again, getting the impression that the surgery apparently did not work as well as hoped and getting a great scare last week when a neurologist told me that my pain symptoms in combination with a sudden drop in vision in one of my eyes might very well be a first sign of me having multiple sclerosis. That was, mentally, a big hit. Luckily I have a supportive girlfriend (who can explain medical things to me due to being a doctor herself) and family and friends that support me. But still, I also am currently on anti-depressants and in a therapy program to deal with all this stuff. Because I can not see my mental health separate from this and surely don’t want to fall into a depression again. A lot of medical appointments in the coming week, where hopefully I get 100% certainty it is¬†not Multiple Sclerosis and also a plan for getting rid of my pain. A terrifying week ahead. Thanks for letting me rant!